Evenings and weekends may take us a little bit longer. You: Yeah, we should. Any fun plans? Nothing much. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. Its just in the past year or so that its cropped up repeatedly, with different people at different establishments. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. Later that evening I find out through facebook that HE went out ice skating, with several of our friends, and he had never even mentioned to me that he was going, let alone asked if I wanted to come too! Ill do it anyway, but saying it that way doesnt make it somehow not an order, Mom! So the next time your phone rings you will be prepared. The people who are asking what are you doing this weekend? before making a request are taking away the LWs easy out that is, by getting LW to admit that he/she/they are free, the option to refuse with Oh, sorry, I have plans already is no longer there. We cheerfully said we were free, assuming there was going to some festive get together and wanting to make friends. And if someone is trying to open a debate about the validity of your plans vs. what they want you to be doing, it is a refusal to take the podium. Jana: It's ok. I'll catch you later. Sadly its never QUITE a lie, hahaha. I"m not done loving you!" 7) "It's Friday bitches!! ? comments. And Im totally ok with that. We all had too much to drink and passed out at Dan's house!" I get lunch with my coworkers on Friday and there is a lot of so is anyone doing anything interesting this weekend? in our conversation. Me: yes! or no, sorry. Given that the cousin is seeking babysitting, What are you doing on Thursday, followed by, Great, youre available to babysit for me! is an incredibly rude and pushy way to go about asking for that favor. I dont spend a lot of time imagining what youre doing over the weekend. I used to get caught by this question. A possible script: Sorry, Aunt, if I dont do laundry this weekend, Im not going to have any clean clothes. Ive seen too many nightmare scenarios of late, in the wake of the Aziz Ansari mess, that start out exactly like you are describing. single. Crossword puzzles, chess, sudoku, or other puzzle games Cooking Travel Gardening Art, music, crafts, writing, podcasting I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. I cant see into the future and neither can the people in my life. I read that post all the time. You can also better manage your time because you can text her at anytime you want. The genered expectations in our family are much more of the women do the planning variety which can get super annoying when wed like to just go along for the ride every once in a while. (And if you are Susie, forget about it!). In every group Ive been in it is socially acceptable and expected that you can say youre busy for whatever reason you want. Youve also brought up some generational preferences on communications. Like now? Silly Friend: do you want to do (thing)? Ive learned a lot of strategies.). You dont need to read their minds as to what they mean, suss out what they mean next, or throw up defenses against prying nosiness; most of the time, it will not be necessary. Its okay if I dont want to share the details of what Im reading with coworkers. Usually, the asker will tell me why they asked after I answer, no matter what the answer is (busy, not busy, dont know). It can be a white lie! Shes moving and needs a van? But in the age of smart phones I also find Im going to have to check my email before I say yes to that, so let me get back to you helpful. Ive got annoyed enough over this that I have been uncharacteristically assertive and told him that I dont like being asked out like that and that Id prefer that he just ask me outright about whatever activity it is and the date. I never know how to respond when service people ask How are you? and is seems almost like a variation of just saying hi. 3. I dont think my friends are trying to put me on the spot at all. The first time I heard this, I wondered who opened my brain while I was sleeping and pulled the song out and put it in a movie soundtrack. I also use ooh, Im not sure whether Im driving my stepson to his Dads that weekend, Ill have to check for longer-term put-offs. I am a pessimist, so I assume I am pissing someone off if theres the slightest ambiguity in communication. And I agree that literally saying No, I dont want to get to know you better is a bit off. Ive never found it made any difference at all for invitations its not like I told them how much time each activity Im doing will require or what other boring chores I will also be doing. You just reminded me of the ex-husband of a friend I used to know. If someone asks me the question, I am happy, because that means they are probably inviting me somewhere. So yeah, I feel that part too. What are you doing?, Unless Im doing something unusual, its true; its wonderfully vague and gives no information; and I get to immediately turn the question back on the asker (which often leads to a better conversation anyway.). Maybe we could get together. This sentence should never be solo. To read all future answers to your comment, please bookmark this page. This is how I deal with it: While having to put up with gday, mate lacks the structural oppression of whats aimed at POC, it is still annoying. Nothing? I like babies and pets just fine, but unless the baby is under a year old and sleeps a lot, and you have a super chill pet, Im not up to the task. Im one of those foreigners who are mystified with the use of How are you? in the US. Ive seen cat vacuuming most often as being what you do before you can sit down to write. Ive had a fear of seeming bossy or overbearing, but Ive found in the past few years that people really seem to appreciate someone getting the ball rolling. Not everyone in my life always has. This is another good and funny response to give to "whats up" because depending on who you say it to, they might find it to be relatable enough to laugh at. She asked me if we were doing anything on a certain day and I was like I cant think of what it is right now but we are definitely doing something that day. She then mentioned a big thing that was on in town this week and yes, that was in fact the thing that we were going to, so I was like Yes! Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. I would much rather receive hey want to check out the Frida Kahlo photography exhibit? or are you free to take the kids for a few hours??? 3. Theres a world of small talk out there that doesnt Other a person, and being genuinely curious is not a justification for anything. I would think that any event for which one needs to book a venue and/or hire a caterer would also be the sort of event to which one sends some sort of formal invitation, which is not really the case for the situations the LW describes. Ive noticed that sometimes when coworkers as me what Im doing theyre really just politely trying to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell me all about their exciting weekend plans. It takes a bit of confidence to state clearly and categorically what you want and then ask someone else to join in that thing, and not everyone has that degree of confidence. There have been days when I could be found dancing on the couch and all over the house with this and Bad Reputation on a playback loop, both middle fingers proudly in the air. You have attached a new question to an old thread. @freyasacksen I have a friend who will almost always respond with, Still alive. Always true. Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime? Lets get together. But you have never issued a direct invitation to me in your life. For grocery store cashiers, I keep the answer short: Wet, on a rainy day, or Need more coffee this one particularly for coffee shop baristas, who probably hear it too often. I do want to clarifyI miswrote: if my daughter says she needs to take some mental health time and thats why she cant spend an hour helping me w/ a family project, thats not fallout worthshes busy. 2. For acquaintances, the way you do in Sweden will also work in the US. I slept for twelve minutes while perching on top of my desk like a bird! What are you doing this weekend? friend: yep cool 200 Sarcastic Quotes 1. Like, you want to hang out with me, but dont want to ask me straight up. OMG yes! Giving my notebook a bath. This will not go away. I need you to babysit. Not much fun, but also not optional right now. (Aunt doesnt need to know whether your laundry has reached the point of not going to have clean clothes to wear or not.). I kind of like your signature line as a response! So with someone new, Did you do anything good last weekend? And if I do want to see her, then I just tell her something freed up in my schedule and ask if shes available or if theres anything she wants to do. I have learned over my decade plus of retail experience that the key to small talk that doesnt annoy people is to feel out what they seem excited to talk about. . Im working on this myself. If you have a faaaaaaaamlyyyyyyyyyyyyyy culture where not providing free labor on demand for family makes you the jerk, lean in to it and accept the mantle of jerk; this frees you from ever needing to try to avoid that label in the future. "I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally. For example, I used to host (board and card) game nights at my home, and Id create an event on Facebook, invite everyone who was part of this group, and ask them to please let me know as soon as they knew whether or not theyd be there, at least by the day before, so I could plan how much food Id need to buy/make. To her it was rude. They also influence how OFTEN. I make it about my feelings for a bunch of reasons. No one asks or cares, but its as vague as the original request and helps facilitate the DELAY! tactic the Captain talks about. E- Enjoying. (So Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. There are several possible moves in response to this gambit. The people asking the question are rude and betraying their bigotry. I shall think on why. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. My parents and my in-laws have requests that my husband and I dont feel we can refuse. Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be doing this weekend a long time ago, I would have said the NFL Combine. [I often go in around lunch time.] Im asking because you absolutely will pay for it in terms of impacts on the long-term relationship with the person she will become. Maybe shorter comments go through immediately but longer ones need mod-approval? You: Oh, I have a few plans but Im free for the good stuff!. Early on in dating the boything, he would ask what I was doing that night in a way that made me think it was small talkso Id say oh, Im working on [project] probably, or I might just have an early night. And then he would assume I wasnt free, whereas if he would have said hey do you want to have dinner? I would have been on board. When you joined a new job and your team leader or boss asked you about how you're doing, this is your honest answer and a way to show your enthusiasm. Here's a more thorough list of things Siri manages to do well most of the time: Making a call / Facetime. I think part of it, too, is that I have mental health issues and physical issues so sometimes the questions make me feel pressured to have a good weekend. I love this response: not sure what Ill be in the mood for. What sounds good on Wednesday is not always what I want to do on Saturday. I get the friendly sentiment, but its not always welcome and people would do well to use more discretion. Since youre not busy, do you want to go to [event] with me? There are at least two distinct why do you ask? which are sadly distinguished only by tone. Nowadays I usually use The Captains great script: I do not know yet, I have to check my calendar. Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. For small talk, I like to ask questions where the answer can be simple. So if someone said What are you doing next Thursday? I imagine they said Would you like to do something on Thursday? So I get your point, and thats definitely not what I was asking about. Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. Can I let you know for sure tomorrow?. Thank you. Going back to work? You don't want to end up like your crazy aunt who keeps asking you the same question during every holiday dinner. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! The person is clearly saying something bigoted or 2. Because Im white, I fortunately have the privilege of knowing that 9 times out of 10 its just genuine curiosity and an attempt at polite small talk (theres always the 1 thats still xenophobic, though, like the cashier who blurted out when are you leaving, then? or the psychiatrist who refused me medical treatment because I should be going back to my home country soon anywayIm married and staying here, sorry to disappoint). They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). So, it's important to read the situation and know how well the person asking you out will respond to a little joke. With colleagues especially, Im not looking to hang out just looking to connect on something, find out what they like about, get to know them better. She could NOT grasp that she was experiencing a cultural difference and the question wasnt going to stop because a) people were genuinely curious and/or wanted to show they were interested in her as a person and b) she was living in a part of the country where small talk was expected and people would consider it rude NOT to ask that question. (Women with STEM doctorates especially get constant streamers of this kind of contempt from their families.). I hate ditherers with the passion of a thousand suns. Texting or sending an email to someone. Question bugs me too, so I figured out some noncommittal answers that hit the tennis ball back into the askers court where it belongs. Unhelpful? Agreed I dont think that the question signals the other person should do all the planning, i think its a way to judge how willing and able they are to hang out sometime in the immediate future. You just need to say, like, Oh, not sure yet, how about you?. I used this to train my mom to use text/email instead, because 1) I hate phone and 2) a written message means much less chances of either one of us getting the details wrong. Of course, he keeps doing it his way, so I just ask dunno, why? My DH reminds me when predictable events are coming up and advises me to fill up my calendar! YES, THIS. Sometimes my kids and I need that to be family time, so were going to block that out going forward., one of those people who force you to be blunt., Indeed, do say to her: Im going to ask you guys to walk to school on your own; trying to coordinate with your family is simply too much stress for us. It can still get extremely wearing through, and I do wish people would think more about when this conversation is appropriate and when Im maybe not up for answering a litany of questions that literally every stranger asks me (ie when Im obviously exhausted and struggling with four bags of groceries that I have to cart away on foot). Yep, my wife and I too. "Better days are coming. Read also. Sometimes this takes several rounds before everyone realizes theyve done their line but missed their cue. What are you up to? for those I am not interested in carving out space for.). Your tactic of combining the two points is the right way to go, I think. And then coming up with all kinds of bizarre but obvious lies about how they reason theyre acting that way is solely for *my* benefit. I understand commenters who dont see this question as anything more than polite small talk. These are my 2 best friends for over 20 years each! It doesnt mean Im not an interesting person or my life is less meaningful if Im selective about who I share the details of my life with. Based on your listed interests, it looks like we have a lot in common. Ask back? There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. Vulgarity from a total stranger is an instant turnoff. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. Also I have learned to give hard noes. I should have specified that this particular woman was white, of a european background, and when she elaborated it was pretty clear that she was getting the I am genuinely curious about you variety of the question and not the You arent REALLY one of us implication. Whereas a lot of us see the advantages, like the precision you noticed, to some form of rapid written communication that wasnt around decades ago. If its just a soft open to an invitation, you can be annoyed by it, or you can say, I dunno, you?. That question from certain people stresses me too! Most of those projects and research were for fanfiction. Its just small talk! There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. I just want to jump in to point out that the medium of communication also matters! You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY. Three-day weekends would be perfect if they were just four days longer. "I'm having a productive day.". Another get out the LW could use is, Im still figuring out my plans for that daywas there something you wanted us to do together? and then Yes, thatll work, if you want to do the thing, or Hm, I dont think I can fit that in, if you dontno need to specify that the thing that it wont fit into is a day of sitting around in your pajamas and binge-watching things on Netflix. Because our societys patterns absolutely will not let anyone think it could be possible that what I, for example, would be doing with that time is letting my brain process the mathematics that will lead to an invention that most of us will never hear about, but it will make all of our lives better. and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. We went swimming in the lake and had a little bonfire." This is a good response to use when your weekend with family was more on the slow-paced side but was nonetheless enjoyable. Not blond but like superwhite. And then when you part somebody accidentally says love you, too. Thats how it always happens for me, anyway. Good to know! Indoor Cat says feeling unsafe would have been the most damaging to her relationships with her parents long term. Another is that people your daughters age and under have grown up under a level of surveillance never before seen in the entire history of the human species. Nothing special. There was definitely conflict where trying to balance and figure out fairness, safety, and compassion were difficult and sometimes heated. BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nobody listens anyway. If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you.